I know it's a little bit soon to be going ahead and posting this, however I wanted to write this down before I forgot it, if for no one else then for myself.
I was reviewing my queries today which ended up being a bit of a mistake as it ended up bringing me down. It's always easy to say that you should never give up, but when you're faced with so much failure it can start to get to you.
The one thing which ended up getting to me most however, was the way that each literary agency would advertise itself and how those would end up impacting the rejections they gave.
It seemed as though nearly every agency always clamors for the same thing; diversity, outspoken voices, people with stories to say and give. People under-represented or unseen normally, being given the chance to finally share what they had created. They all wanted it, or at least said they'd wanted it, and would always proclaim loudly from the rooftops that this is what they're looking for. They wanted someone with a voice.
But not mine.
Everytime I would always see the same paragraphs, clamoring and claiming a desire to see the stories written by people like me, but when I didn't seem to ever make the cut. Instead, all I would get would be a cookie cutter form letter promising me that I had potential, but that it just didn't quite give them that extra sparkle to make them connect with it.
It'd be one thing to go toe-to-toe with others based upon the quality of your craft, but that wasn't what they were asking for. They were asking for you, every part of you, to see and determine if your voice was worth it enough to be amongst their carefully selected choir.
Seeing other people succeed where you've failed, especially when it's made from a part of you, and it seemed like they were asking for exactly what you offered, hurts.
I don't know if this makes any sense, and I've wasted too much time writing this, but I just wanted to keep this here so I could be reminded of why this was so difficult. Of my limitations preventing me from achieving the same opportunities as others.
Of people asking for stories like mine, just not mine.
Nevertheless, I refuse to give up. You have to have the good parts with the bad, even when the bad parts seem like they aren't ending.
My new story is beginning to take shape. And by this end of this spring, the MayFly will fly.
I'll see you around reader, wherever and whenever you are, out there.
- Ud Din
