Well... it's been a few months since I last posted, but things have been quite busy for me as I entered the summer. Much more than I had anticipated. The important part though is that Beyond is nearing completion.
Admittedly, I've said this same thing before what feels like hundreds of times, that I'm almost there or that my book will be coming out soon. All it takes is one look back at this blog to see as I slowly pushed through this process... the good, the great, the terrible and the wonderful. Admittedly, I feel like a large portion of my waiting came from my dependence on having to wait until Literary Agents responded... one of which emailed me back a few days ago, 11 months after I sent my initial letter.
But this time it's real. The drafts have been edited (funnily enough, I think I actually lost my most recently edited draft and had to review an older one because of my horrible saving/filing system...), covers have been drawn, specifications met... as I'm writing this, it's all under review by Amazon and will likely go live in the next day or so. Of course, it'll take some extra time for me to make additional changes and edits as necessary before I announce the book going live publicly, but it's happening.
Now that it's been a year since I sent out this book and nearly 2 years since I started working it, I can't help but feel a little bit reflective on the path I took to get here. More specifically, a question has popped into my mind that I feel it necessary to answer.
Why self publish?
Now, I know this isn't exactly a new question. I've spent hours searching message boards and blogposts just like this one asking the very same question. But after coming this far with me on this journey (or if you've just begun)... I'll hope you'll indulge me allowing me answer to this question for myself.
I had attempted, desperately so, to try and achieve my dream of becoming traditionally published with Beyond, only to face repeated rejection. This of course, isn't exactly new news but... I still had the option of shelving Beyond and moving onto my next project. I believe that someone said it best when I found a similar forum post about someone in my exact situation (I'm paraphrasing of course, so it's not exactly one to one): If you get rejected, shelve it and start writing a new book. If your old one gets picked up, you'll have a new book ready to go. If your new one is what gets accepted, your old one will be there, ready if you want to use it.
I'd also seen other successful authors sharing in this sentiment, talking about how their first attempts at writing had gone poorly, but after their 2nd, 3rd, 4th or even 5th try... things worked out. Some of them even thanked the fact that they hadn't continued to pursue publishing their first story, as if they had they would've been embarrassed by its quality. To be fair, this is a sentiment which I feared I'd share as well, that perhaps Beyond was nothing more than a strange story I'd written which would only serve to harm me rather than help.
This was furthered by the fact that every agent I had applied to had rejected me. I couldn't keep track of all of them, but in my mind it always seems to round to this magical number, '27'. More than that, not a single one had even asked for a follow-up, or even offered some constructive criticism in their rejection. Instead, it was always the same "It's a charming story, just not for me. Keep it up though!" that always left me wondering what I had done wrong, if anything at all. I couldn't even tell if these were form rejections or real ones, which made things even worse.
Part of finding a literary agent is the fact that a part of the research process is that you need to fall in love with them before applying to them. If you're thorough, as I was (or at least tried to be), you'll read through their likes and dislikes, find their anecdotes funny, and feel as though you've found that perfect person. Someone you could really work with, and in turn grow with as well. When rejected by that person, no matter who they are, it can be difficult to feel as though your work's quality is... worthwhile. After all, if this person, the person you've researched and has advertised themselves as someone you truly feel would enjoy your book, couldn't even find interest in it... then who would?
Searching for an agent plagued me with thoughts like this... and ultimately drained much of the enjoyment I felt when writing. What once was an activity I turned to for enjoyment now felt... heavy, and hollow. Admittedly I learned a lot from the experience and I do feel it forced me to refine my book even further than I already had... but that doesn't mean it didn't hurt.
All the people (save for one) I'd asked to read my book had also abandoned it, some only after a few pages and others barely making it past the initial chapters. All of them would say the same things, as if uncannily echoing the sentiments of agents I'd been rejected from. That it was a good story, they enjoyed it, but they just couldn't get through it for one reason or another. It got so bad to the point where it became an ongoing joke in my family, about how my book had become a torture device that nobody wanted to sit down and read. This left me without any real beta readers or access to the feedback I so desperately craved, leaving me bereft of ways I could better instill confidence about my story's quality into myself.
And so, with this all being in mind (alongside other stuff which I'm sure that I'm forgetting since this has been such a long road...) it leads back to the question of, why should I self-publish? If I truly was unable to gauge the quality of my work, and nobody I had spoken to wanted to read it, then why should I go through the hassle of self-publishing? I could let my book collect dust (as I'd already come close to doing several times before) and start working on a new project, never risking putting it out there to become to subject of mock, ridicule, or just... apathy.
To that, I say that a funny thing happened to me while I was doing my final edits of the book. A unique part about writing this, was that I'd done it right before entering college, a place which changed me and forced me to grow. When reviewing my book, I realized that... there was something strange about its soul, if that makes sense.
With anything that I write, or anything that anyone writes I feel that is truly coming from them, a part of me is always a part of it. I draw from my own experiences, my thoughts and perspectives, and in turn a part of me becomes interwoven within my work. So when it came time for me to review Beyond, I still saw traces of myself within its pages... but they weren't who I am now. Instead, it was me before I had gone to college, still reminiscent of who I am now of course... but still distinctly different enough for me to recognize it.
It was from there that I realized that Beyond contains a part of the person I was while I was writing it, perfectly preserved inside of it. It was as if I was staring at myself a year younger, so vividly that I could almost hear my voice speaking every sentence.
In this is the answer for as to why I've chosen to self-publish my book, rather than letting it sit forgotten and faded somewhere on a digital desktop. In publishing Beyond, that part of me will remain even as I continue to grow and change, within the world I have woven and the characters I have written.
Better yet, even when it is time for me to continue my journey elsewhere... this part of me will still exist. And on the day that my name is forgotten entirely, when the last person who remembers me utters my name for the final time, however near or far from now that is... Beyond will still be there. Whether it's sitting in the attic of a relative so far removed from me that we're barely bound by blood, or hidden in the hard-to-reach spot of an old library... it will be there. And through this, that part of me which I placed so lovingly into my book will also be there. Perfectly preserved, waiting for someone else to travel its pages, and perhaps make their own journeys because of it.
I think that's kind of magic.
Since as always I've rambled on for longer than I intended, I thank you, whoever you might be, for accompanying me on this journey thus far. I hope to continue my travels for as long as I am allowed, and I hope that when it is time, if you would be willing to indulge me that is, you'll enjoy Beyond as I have. I cannot wait for you to visit OttsDam, travel to Cobblestone, and triumph over trials, as I have. I hope to hear of you witnessing The Paper Palace, evading the StringSpider, and freeing The Caretaker, as I have.
To love Beyond, as I hoped.
I'm looking forward to sharing this story, and the many others which I've witnessed and wandered, in the coming days, weeks, months, and years.
I'll see you soon,
- Ud Din
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